This Thanksgiving I was thankful for many things. but mainly I am so thankful for the few people who have always shown they love me. Because there have been a lot that have not, even if they were supposed to🤷🏻♀️
For some reason, PTSD is wreaking havoc on me. 🤷🏻♀️
I’m still working through it all, but I wanted to share with you what I learned in the past couple days. Maybe it will help you or someone you know/love who’s been through traumatic experiences.
My husband will randomly turn to me and ask what’s wrong-why am I being so quiet. When he does this I’m genuinely confused as to why he is even asking me that. I will usually say something along the lines of “👀I’m literally not even doing anything??” He responds with something along the lines of “exactly.” 🤣🤣🤣🤣
I zone out. If I’m overwhelmed or stressed, I zone out. If we are arguing, I’ve always zoned out. If something from my past pops up, I zone out.
We have been together for a little over 12 years, and we have JUST NOW realized that when I “zone out” I am actually dissociating. All those times we have had a disagreement and he gets hurt because he thinks I don’t care enough to speak up and try to work it out, I’m just shutting down. When people are treating me wrong and I just “ignore it” I’m not really trying to be a pushover! I never knew why I did that. I literally just can’t think of words to say. I knew it had to do with when I was growing up and I could NOT have a say or stand up for myself-even if I did, it didn’t matter.
So last night, I had a phone call from a family member that kinda messed up my evening; I was handling that okay BUT, then it was dark and raining and I was driving, all while my kiddos fought in the backseat because they were tired. I completely zoned out. Too many stressors at once.
The day before, I had JUST come across someone on social media talking about dissociating due to trauma! So as I’m whipping into Chick-fil-A for some Jesus Chicken, I deadpan “Am I dissociating?” So hubby and I talked through it: I described what I was feeling ( haha, or not feeling I should say) and he said “yeah. I think you really could be!”
I’m 31 years old and went to therapy for over a year. I’m just now learning my “zoning out” has actually been me dissociating. For the past 2 decades. 😫🤷🏻♀️
Wanna play Bingo? I bet I win 🤣🤣 yay for dark humor! 🤪🤪
Now that I KNOW what I am doing, I am going to be working on it. How? By grounding yourself. I went straight home and got in a super hot bath with my yummy smelling Bloom cleansing bar. Just focused on my senses. It helped tremendously.
Trauma is weird. This just shows we don’t know everything about our own selves. Thank goodness God does. ❤️
*Disclaimer: I do not own any of the images in this post. I am not a licensed professional. These are just my experiences.