Depression. Darkness. Loneliness. Desolation. “Having the blues.”
I’m not sure when I first began MY battle of depression. I was young. Much like the waves of the ocean, waves of depression would suddenly crash onto my childhood like onto a shore and wreck my sandcastle. It was unexpected. It was a deep sadness I couldn’t describe. Eventually my mom was able to pick up on it. She told me when I was 13/14 that it was probably depression. It was DEFINITELY more noticeable around my cycle.
I’m unsure of the exact time line, but somewhere around 2014-2015, I made a post on facebook about battling depression.
Everybody was completely shocked. I was the super silly, funny, fun to be around person. My coworkers aunt I had met once but followed on FB, had texted my coworker to check on me. It wasn’t really a dramatic post. Just that I had depression and depression sucks. Basically, anyways. My dad called me a couple days later and said, “You can talk to me about these things you know. Sometimes I feel real sad sometimes too.”
That right there tells me how much he just doesn’t REALLY understand. Yes, I get sad. But it is SO much worse than that. It’s lying in the bed or on the couch staring at NOTHING for vast amounts of time. Not being able to even bring yourself to do your favorite thing. (Example: I LOVE to read. I will read almost ANYthing and find a little joy. When my depression is in full activation-mode, I can not even bring myself to read.) You often don’t want to be around your favorite people.
You really want to just be left alone and stare into space and think about nothing.
Do you ever wake up and feel an impending doom? You have no idea why. There’s nothing scary or different planned for your day. This deep fist of sad silent turmoil just hits you straight in your chest and it came out of nowhere?! It’s like a deafening silence that knocks the wind and energy out of you. If the feeling was a color it would be like the black smoke cloud billowing away from a super hot fire.
I know, I sound crazy. But if you know, you know. I literally wanted to die and begged God to make it happen.
This isn’t where I was planning to go with this post, but it just popped into my heart so I’m going there. Let’s back up to what I wrote a paragraph ago… like a black smoke cloud billowing away from a super hot fire.”
That in itself kind of describes the devil. Matthew 25:41 “Then he will say to those on his left, ‘Depart from me, you who are cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. ‘ “
How many of us do NOT believe that the devil will come after you and tempt you and do what he can to make you feel crazy? I mean, yeah, of course he tricked Eve into eating the apple, and tried to tempt Jesus that time. But that was in the Bible days, not NOW, here, in our current, reeeaal life. Well, this past year I have been on a journey and I have learned a LOT. On another post I will go deeper into how many Biblical TRUTHS we lay to the side and pretend don’t exist anymore.
The enemy comes to steal, kill and destroy–> your happiness, your joy, your truth, your family, your everything that brings positivity into your life. The enemy’s goal is to make you feel stupid, small, unworthy, and unbelieving (in Christ). This can fester as depression. He can take everything that has ever happened around you, in your family, in your work or church situations and make you feel like total crap. Make you feel like YOU’RE the problem. These feelings, even if they’re small at first, will fester and fester and you will continue to stew over it. You’re letting him win. We already know who wins the battle, yáll, and it AINT the devil. Yeah, I said aint. We already have Victory-in Jesus. All of these LIES the devil wants us to believe are just that-lies.
Jesus Himself tells us in John 8:44b “When he lies, he speaks his native language, for he is a liar and the father of lies.” The devil is a lying liar-and look, his pants are on fire!!!! Wow! But Jesus goes on to say, “Yet because I tell the truth, you do not believe me!!”
Ouch. That stings. We OFTEN believe the devil’s lies over God’s truth. The TRUTH is that God loves us very much. HE CAN heal you of your depression. He CAN heal you of your anxiety. Ah, you’re being a doubting Thomas, aren’t you? You think He can’t or won’t heal you. Again, you’re thinking, “That only happened in the Bible days.” Stick around here, dear, and you WILL learn the truth. Jesus is the truth (John 14:6) and the truth, the Son, sets us free (John 8:36)
Depression begins as an emotion, but then it becomes a seed of lies, planted deeply in our hearts. If you are truly sick of being stuck on this cycle of desolating depression, then you should go to this website and print off the list of the 40 I Am Statements. These will show you JUST how much God loves you and how HE sees you! Read these every day. Out Loud. To yourself. In the mirror. What??? Yes, I mean it. You’ll feel crazy. My mentor suggested it to me and I didn’t do it for a while. It was too embarrassing. But I finally did it and now I am encouraging you to DO IT!! Just lock yourself in the bathroom with your printed sheet and read each statement and look yourself in the eye. Any statement that makes you feel a little twinge of something yucky or uncomfortable is one you need to work on, so highlight it or circle it. Mark it so you can study it. Read the scripture that goes with each statement. If you need additional verses, email me or message me here. I had a BUNCH of statements that I didn’t believe. It takes WORK and lots of PRAYER to uncover those lies and hurts and THEN to replenish your heart with truth and love. It IS possible and slowly you’ll realize you react differently to others and situations. Now when they say something that would have hurt you in the past, it rolls off your shoulders. It is freeing!!!!
Are YOU ready to set yourself free? You hold the power in your hearts to do JUST that. Confused, need someone to talk to or just need prayers? Comment below or email me or click the link above to message me!
Peace and Love to You,